“Today I believe in the possibility of love; that is why I endeavor to trace its imperfections, its perversions.” -Frantz Fanon
In a city that is quickly losing it’s right to be considered the most liberal place in America (has it already lost that right?) I saw a billboard that wreaked of conservatism. The city is San Francisco. The billboard claimed that Porn Kills Love. Perhaps the promoter of this message should visit the Armory (not far from the billboard) where they don’t kill anything, but they do beat the shit out of lust. I don’t claim to fully understand the sentiment behind the message that Porn Kills Love. But, it doesn’t take an in depth analysis to figure out that the promoters of this message are against porn, its production, and the employees of the porn industry. (The website proclaims, “Fight the new drug!”, you know because porn is a new thing.) As a sex worker myself (read here to bring yourself up to speed) I take issue with any message that is against the sex industry. I was having dinner with a friend when I mentioned the billboard to her. She asked, well what is love? Fair question.
In fact, I asked that question quite often some years back. I just used it as a conversation lubricant in social settings. “How do you define love?”, I’d ask. There were no wrong answers, but there were certainly some interesting ones. The most interesting answers were from those that couldn’t answer. I don’t mean that they refused. I mean to say that their answer was, “I don’t know!” Wait, let me get this straight… You’ve used the L word to describe your feelings for everything from an appetizer at a restaurant to your mother and you can’t define the word!? You say it 437 times a day, but you can’t define it!? WTF!? Well, it saddens me to type that I ultimately stopped asking the question because it no longer acted as a conversation lubricant. More often than not, people couldn’t define it and it would grind the conversation to a halt. Wow! Something to think about the next time a significant other (SO) tells you those three little greeting-card-filler words.
The definition of porn that most can agree on is that “porn is hard to define, but you know it when you see it.” Conversely, there is no cute catch phrase that most can agree on in regards to the definition of love. With that being said, how can hard-to-define porn kill even harder-to-define love? I don’t know either. Further, if love is half as powerful as all of those songs, movies, and books suggest shouldn’t it be impervious to porn or any other would-be attackers?
Porn vs. Love. Why must everything be so goddamned either/or? Porn is watched by intelligent adults that know bad acting and lame costumes when they see them. Porn is also watched by impressionable youth that assume the boning they see on the screen is the boning they should attempt in the bedroom. It’s true, that’s a thing and that’s unfortunate. But, that’s where the intelligent adult parents have the opportunity to step in and talk to the kids about what’s happening on screen and why (without judgment). “Hey! Everybody’s gotta make a living!”, a parent could say. “No, you don’t have to dress like that the first time you have sex… wait until at least the third time!”, could be another reminder. Then there’s the classic, “Trying to learn how to have sex by watching porn is like trying to learn how to drive by watching the Fast & the Furious!”
Porn doesn’t kill love because they are not in competition with one another. For the sake of argument, let’s wave a magic wand and all porn goes away *poof*. Now, let’s look at some other challenges that romantic-sticky-sweet-greeting-card love must contend with.
1.) The fallacy of monogamy and possessiveness. We are not a monogamous species. Yes, you. The human that’s reading this post. You may practice monogamy. Society has programmed you to do so. Hell, you may even be happier than Pharrell with your SO. But, I challenge you to name five couples that you know personally that have been together for greater than five years that happen to still be happy together. Not TV couples. Your friends/family. Name. Five. Oh! You can name five? So much for anecdotal evidence. Here’s some empirical evidence. Compile the divorce AND breakup rate of couples worldwide. You don’t have to know specific numbers to know that it’s high. Possessiveness is also an issue. The concept of “my” BF/GF/Husband/Wife/WTF often causes subtle objectification. To think of another human being as mine suggests that they are no longer driving their own life. I don’t want to possess another human being. Any woman with whom I begin a relationship should be a partner, not a possession. #BeingPossessiveKillsLove
2.) The societal lie of the one. We’ve heard all of the happily ever after fairytales about finding the one. We’ve heard the stories so much that we have convoluted ideas of love based subconsciously on some of those stories. RomComs that give hope for unrealistic relationships with fictitiously awesome (read: stupid) characters (not real people) aren’t doing love any favors. Two words: Love Actually #RomComsKillLove
3.) Family and sphere of influence. Everyone has to meet and approve of the new one that your dating. Isn’t that a pain!? I mean they’re not making sweet love to that person, you are. But, there’s an unspoken protocol to these sort of things I suppose. #NosyParentsKillLove
Because I’m sure that one of the promoters of #PornKillsLove will read this and have some words for me, I’ll leave you with these thoughts.
~Before telling everyone that this kills that, be sure that everyone agrees on how this and that are defined. ~You can still promote love without demoting porn (or anything else). Unless you’re writing a stage play, you don’t need a specific antagonist and protagonist. ~I’m not really mad. I’m just talking shit. I just wish San Francisco was as liberal as it once was. ~The world doesn’t need less porn, we just need better porn… and more sex positive people… and more support for sex workers.
Enjoy your week, I’m off to look at some videos of Nuns… praying, yeah that’s it.
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