I still remember the first time that someone called me arrogant. I was in the seventh grade and I had to ask my Momma what it meant. I had already looked up the word in the dictionary. But, “having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or abilities” didn’t seem to ease the butt hurt-ness that I felt at the time. I went to my mother seeking clarity. She put a positive spin on the label by explaining that arrogance was about making a conscious decision to be above fuckery and not be bothered with bullshit. I remember her saying, “You are too good for certain things. You’re too good to do drugs. You’re too good to be out there runnin’ the streets. You’re too good to be hanging around with those knuckleheads on the corner.” When she put it that way, it made perfect sense to me. I immediately thought about how I had no desire to do any of those things. In the years that followed, I kept telling myself that I was too good for bullshit. I want to be clear, I never felt as if people were beneath me, just the habits of some people. I’ve kept my life drama-free by keeping certain habits of others out of my sphere of influence and I’ve done it all under the umbrella of what society considers arrogance.
In my Sport Psychology class we spoke about the difference between self-confidence (in a sport-specific context) and arrogance. Before Barry Bonds was busted for using performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs), he said something along the lines of (paraphrasing) “I’m not arrogant, I’m just good.” I won’t turn this into a post about PEDs but, that statement doesn’t mean the same since he tested positive. However, it does spark a valid question. “Are you arrogant if you’re actually good?”, I asked my Professor. I went on to say, “If everyone is giving you compliments and you parrot those same compliments using the same adjectives when speaking on your own behalf is that arrogance when your skills can actually back it up?” Think about whatever you’ve mastered. Think about your mastery as well as the compliments you’ve received on that particular skill. Now, imagine yourself in an interview when you’re practically required to blow your own horn. Is it arrogant to talk yourself up when your skills can back up the talk? What about on a date? If you’re a compassionate and affectionate partner in a relationship and your ex-partner can vouch for that is it arrogant to talk about what you can back up? What about basketball? If you rarely miss three-pointers and you talk that up; is that arrogance? Think about your own answer to those questions and then watch this fun dance video about talking shit on your own behalf. (If you’re going to talk shit, you should dance when you do it.)
The answer to all of those questions is the same… It depends. If you’re having a conversation with yourself and you give the pep self-talk, shouldn’t you be reminding yourself of your dynamite abilities? (Hint: Yes, you’re fucking right you should. It’s not arrogant to believe in yourself and to be vocal about it in the mirror.) With some of the (intentionally ridiculous) scenarios listed above you would most certainly be seen as arrogant. The unfortunate challenge with speaking up on behalf of our own skill is that arrogance is defined by society and the perception of others. Let’s loop back to my Mom’s spin on arrogance. In my years of making conscious decisions to distance myself from people that don’t have their shit together, I’ve been accused of seeming arrogant. That is to say that I never said a word, but someone perceived me to be arrogant based on their own insecurities. “Well, Jet, it may have been your body language or your tone!” Yes, but it could have also been that person projecting their baggage onto my efforts of self-preservation. Here’s another dance break about not wanting drama in our lives.
Almost 20 years ago, I decided to put myself through anger management. The first step for me was to acknowledge that I didn’t want the anger in my life. The second step was to determine the source of my anger and frustrations. Anger management is not about eliminating all triggers from our lives in order to stay cool. Instead, anger management is about being cool in spite of the triggers. Nevertheless, eliminating energy exhausting people and experiences from our lives is a good place to start. Those “knuckleheads on the corner” still exist. The corner has changed, the fuckery has not. Because of my Momma’s advice on carefully selecting the people in my circle, I think critically about how people live their lives and how it would affect mine.
It’s worth mentioning… That last line sounds like I just sit around judging people all of the time. Spoiler alert: We all judge. There are times when I don’t judge people or situations. But, if there’s a question of self-preservation (read: keeping my life free from the drama of others) you bet your sweet ass I make a judgment call. I could write a separate 2,000 word post about what it means to have one’s shit together. But, I don’t want to get too far off topic with specific examples. Just know that you have your own standards as to what “get your shit together” means. Back to selecting people in my circle…
Have you ever met that person that always has a fucking excuse? Whether they’re late, flaky, forgetful, or just plane ir-re-fucking-sponsible, they always have an excuse. That person is either lying (to you or themselves) or inept. I choose not to tolerate either. Why would I want that in/around my life? I’m too good for bullshit. Is that a statement of arrogance or self-preservation. You decide. 😉
Who’s in your circle of friends? Who’s in your inner circle, your roll dogs, your wingperson, your BFF, your right arm? Why? The friends in my life have a conscious decision in common. Most of them, at some point, decided that their life was too good to throw it away on drugs, alcohol, and other poisons. I have more fun with sober friends than drunk ones. Are your friends adding to or subtracting from your life? Are your friends a source of stress, happiness, or both? If both, what’s the ratio of stress to happiness? I remember this cat (“Richard”) told me about a friend of his (“John”) that was staying with him after a divorce. Richard said that after John had stayed there for a while, he kicked John out with no place to go. John stumbled and ended up on his feet, eventually forgave Richard, and their friendship got a positive reboot. Richard said that he did it in the name of tough love. Richard was an older, Southern cat and when he spoke of tough love, he was stern with a sense of genuine compassion just under the surface. Nowadays, I listen to stories about “tough love” and they involve nothing more than a stern talk from friend A to friend B. That’s not tough. Pushing a friend out of the nest and letting them rescue themselves is tough love. You’re too good for bullshit.
Disclaimer: You know how I feel about “life coaches”. The following challenges are not an attempt to coach you. I’m just giving you some food for thought. Do with it what you will. Feel free to respond to these challenges in a (respectful) comment below. ~Are you staying in a relationship because you see the potential in a person? If so, how much energy do you spend trying to help that partner find that potential? ~For what are you too good? You have standards (which is obvious because you’ve subscribed to this blog) but, what’s below your standard? Is it arrogant if you distance yourself from that which is below your standard? It’s worth mentioning… I’m not talking about classes/races/genders/lifestyles of people or any other potential hate speech. I’m talking about drama, just drama people. We all define drama differently. Don’t make this post into something it’s not. ~What are your triggers and are they a part of your life? If so, why? WTF are you doing? You know that person/situation makes you angry/sad/callous yet you keep that trigger in your world!?
My Momma’s Best Advice I’ll leave you with this challenge that my Mother presented to me when I was at a loss for career direction. When it comes time to decide what you want to be when you grow up you should ask yourself the same questions a journalist would ask about a story. Who do you want to be when you accomplish your goal? What type of character will you possess? What do you (specifically) want to do? When do you want to accomplish your goal? Where do you want to be geographically/emotionally in your life when you accomplish your goal? Why do you want to accomplish this goal? Dig deep for the answer, when the path gets tough, you’ll need to revisit this answer. How (specifically) do you intend to get this done? Can you get this done with drama and bullshit in your life? Aren’t you too good for that?
For those of you reading this that have given birth or have given care to another human being in the name of raising up an honorable human being, the world thanks you. (That goes double if your human is NOT one of the knuckleheads on the corner.) I still think greeting card holidays are contrived, consumeristic nonsense. But, I still want to give love and honor to the woman that taught me that I was too good for bullshit AND that I shouldn’t be ashamed of that. Here’s a poem that I wrote for her many years ago.
Aquarian Matriarch
As the wind blankets the earth. As the sun showers strength. As natural resources are constant. Love binds families together. I would surely find my power to be lesser without your influence. Strengthen me once more. Give me your words once more. Forewarn me of what’s in store. I assure you that I will not listen. (That is my angst talking.) The thickness of my skull forces me to learn things on my own at least until oats are sown. You are the reason that I love with such passion. I recognize more of you in me with each passing day. I witness the circle of life. As I will be there for you in the end as you were for me in the beginning. I cherish the moments that I complain about yet I abhor the moments when we were happiest. (For they may never be duplicated.) Educate me on my ancestry and how it is that my character traits have come to be so damned con – fusion takes place on the day to day. As I learn about how you decided on my name. Why you only surrounded me with positive images. How I came to be through the jazz musicians, detectives and womanizers of our families lineage. These are the answers to my long standing rhetorical questions. I, the Lion cub, was chaperoned under the sun of Leo and welcomed on to this earth through a guardian of Aquarius and its representation therein. My Aquarian Matriarch has asked nothing of me in return but love.
^from the mind of Nocturnus Exerçant Calme*
*-A former pseudonym from a few lives ago.
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