Let’s Talk About Sex(ual Health), Baby!

Good Morning! How’s your sex life? I’m writing this in hopes that it’s a great sex life, filled with healthy, positive communication between you and your partner(s). Do you know your number? Have you talked about it openly? You know what number, the number that all of the magazines discourage you from discussing with your partner. The number that tends to garner shame or bragging rights based on your relationship with sex (or your societal conditioning… more on that later). The number of sexual partners since the loss of your virginity (or the gain of your sexual learner’s permit). Do you know your number of new sexual partners in the past six months? Before I gained my sexual learner’s permit and started driving my penis around with any, more experienced, driver that was willing to sit on… as my passenger, my brother inadvertently inspired me to keep track. He had just returned from Desert Storm and he was impressed by someone in his company that had been with 50 women! That seemed like a lot for a 21 year-old. Not a lot in a moral judgment sort of way, a lot in a do-the-math sort of way. My brother decided to make his own list to determine his number. Happy to have him back from the war and looking up to him, I was inspired to do the same when I started having sex. So, since August 14th, 1993 and that fateful night in my parents basement, I’ve been keeping track of names and details*. So, yes, I certainly know my number. The question comes up during the interview for my semi-annual STI panel.

*It’s Worth Mentioning… On the list of my sexual partners, there is not now (nor has there ever been) any sort of scoring component. That seems shitty to me. Besides what would that rubric look like? Wouldn’t it be fair to explain the point system before coitus began? Should the Harvard Grad that sat on my face get more points than the Junior College dropout that gave me a blowjob in the parking lot? I digress.

When was the last time that you were tested? Yes, you! Have you been in a monogamous relationship for the past two years? Congratulations! Get tested. Are you familiar with a dormancy period? Have you ever heard of diseases presenting as asymptomatic in the body? Herpes is more common than most people realize (statistics from the CDC and other sources have ranged from 16.2% of US residents aged 14-49 to 25% to as high as “we don’t know” or the even higher still “assume everyone has herpes” estimate) and you can still get a blood test for it even if you’ve never had an outbreak. Please, get tested. Do you know what type of Hepatitis can live outside of the body? Get tested. Give any rim jobs lately? Get tested. Perhaps you volunteer with young people; getting semi-annual STI testing could act as an example for them and you may help them build a good habit as they follow in your footsteps.

It’s worth mentioning… Monogamy is not a magic shield against STIs. If you and your partner have been fluid bonded and neither has had sex with a third party, you should still get regular tests just as you would a regular physical. I’m not typing this to scare you, but we live in a world where not all infections are transmitted by the textbook rules. Have you heard the stories about the people that found out their partner was breaking their agreement (read: cheating) because their annual blood test came back with reactive properties for certain STIs? I’ve heard those stories and even if they’re urban legends, do you want to find out the hard way? I’m not suggesting that your partner is lying to you. I’m not suggesting that you get tested to try to “catch them in a lie.” I’m just suggesting that you get tested because an agreement of monogamy does not make one impervious to infection. Don’t believe me, check out this article that backs up my argument with science!

If you live in the Bay area and you want to get tested, pay a visit to the Berkeley Free Clinic. (Please be sure to donate to the BFC if you use their services. It’s a free clinic but, that doesn’t mean there aren’t costs involved.) Show your support for Planned Parenthood and their sexual health education efforts. Young kids are braver than we were at their age. They’re trying all of the things and they need to be taught about safe practices.

For years, I’ve avoided divulging my number to women because I believed the magazines that said the topic would generate drama. The first time I shared the number with a (monogamous) GF there was an unexpected result. She had been with a greater number of partners than I (which made me breathe a sigh of relief). I was happy to hear that news because I knew that she wouldn’t judge me for my number being high. The unexpected result was that she threw her higher number in my face as a brag as she suggested that she was better at sex than me. I found that laughable because it was a silly thing over which to compete. I mean, that could only be measured by a point system and again, who makes that rubric!? As I’ve written before, there is a way to determine good sex and it should be a mutual experience of cooperation, not a competition to see who out does the other in the plush arena (read: bedroom). The second (and what I thought would be my last) time I shared my number with a monogamous GF, I actually showed her the list… with dates. She saw a date that did not please her. The date was four days before she and I made our “dating” into an official relationship.* That fight kept coming back up for 12 out of the 18 months that she and I were together.

*It’s worth mentioning… Please be careful to avoid the relationship by default (RBD). Have you ever been dating someone for a while until all of the others faded away and you were dating exclusively as a matter of fact instead of a matter of choice? It happens to people all of the time. I hear one of my friends refer to their new (fill in the blank with a gender)friend and I ask, “Did you guys have the sit down?” The sit down is much like the scene in mafia flicks. Two people should sit down and agree to terms, territories, boundaries, and forms of respect to name a few talking points. This applies to both Polyamorists and Monogamists. RBD couples often have the fight that involves one party being confused. “I didn’t know that would upset you!”, one of them will scream. Talk about your boundaries and what you expect from the relationship before you call it a relationship.

There tends to be a Puritanical shame associated with a certain number of sexual partners that applies to all of us. However, women seem to have it worse in that realm of judgment. Women have been conditioned to believe that they’re somehow subhuman for having more than 3 sexual partners in their whole goddamned life! I asked my friend S about her take on the matter and she had this to say: “There is most definitely still a double standard when it comes to expectations for number of sexual partners for men and women. For women, there is still a lot of slut shaming if the number is high (whatever that is interpreted to mean). And yet there isn’t even really a term we use for slut shaming men. Men are expected to have a higher sex drive than women, and that is supposed to translate into seeking out sex more often and having more partners. Women are supposed to be more relationship focused and desire fewer partners.” I find the dearth of research on women’s sexual health (and sexual pleasure) to be frustrating. How many prescription drugs can you name that work to improve a woman’s libido? If you answered, “not as many as there are drugs designed to improve a man’s libido” you have won the grand prize! Bush 3.0 made some jackass comment about, “I’m not sure we need half a billion dollars for women’s health issues.” We need to learn about all humans and it makes loads of sense to learn about the humans that can produce more humans (if they choose).

S went on to state, “While there are some people who would be offended? Upset? Turned off? by anyone who had what they considered to be a high number of sex partners, I would wager a guess that those same people would be more likely to cut some slack for men than for women with those numbers. Comedians like Amy Schumer can point this out through their comedy & bring attention to it that way. But mostly, I don’t see our society changing much in this way. It’s the same old same old double standard.” Because I was curious, I asked, “Has anyone shamed you, directly, in this regard?” She then responded, “No. Honestly, I haven’t had many (any??) times when people directly asked me for the number. But, because of this double-standard, I am less likely to offer it.”

This blog was written in hopes that all humans of all genders will shake off the stigma that comes along with the miles on their physical vessel. When my last car turned 100,000 miles, I took her (“Carmen”) on a road trip up to Seattle in celebration of her high number. When I spoke about that 100,000 miles, I recalled fond memories from black ice on a freeway in New Mexico, to surviving an accident, to driving around three different states. When you speak about your number of sexual partners, think about all of the lessons you’ve learned along the way. Recall fondly the enamored experience of whispered musings, multiple orgasms, tears of joy, and the laughs when someone cut a fart loose. Not all of your sexual memories may be positive or even pleasant. But, all of our past experiences have gotten us to this point and let’s hope that we’re stronger for it. Your journey is nothing in which to find shame. Fuck the magazines. Talk about your number with your partner(s). If they try to shame you into thinking that your number is high remember that it’s not up to them to set that bar. Fuck ’em. If they try to suggest that your number should be higher, take note that this person doesn’t accept you as yourself. Fuck ’em. I’m proud to say that my number is… none of your damned business! I’m even prouder to say that my number is… not a secret from any of my partners.

Thanks for reading! Come out to see me perform tonight!

Upcoming Burlesque Performances

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Let’s Talk About Sex(ual Health), Baby!

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