Here are ten things you should know about dating the recovering asshole Jet Noir AKA Jet [redacted] AKA [redacted] [redacted] AKA Jay AKA Nocturnus Exerçant Calme AKA Noc AKA Mayhem AKA The Mellow MC AKA Fearless J AKA [redacted]. Before I get into the list, you should know that the aforementioned list of chosen names have all been relevant at different times for different reasons. Please don’t ever ask for my “real name” since every name chosen by me is just as real as any name chosen by my parents. The name with which I introduced myself is the name I expect you to use when you address me. Any assumed privileges to use the same chosen name that my family and life-long friends call me won’t be received well. To put it another way, my Mama calls me [redacted], you don’t… like ever… not even to say it out loud in my presence because you want to test some boundary. You use the name I gave you. Now, more about me being an asshole.
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The running joke with some of my close friends is that they’ve seen me go through significant changes through years of anger management. Because of that, they often commend me for being LESS of an asshole than I was in the past. #LessOfAnAsshole I began anger management in the late 90s. As a result, I’ll ask that you never try to convince me that I feel stronger than my own claim. e.g. If I say, “I’m not mad” then you don’t get to say, “Yes you are, you’re pissed!” You will never know me better than I know me. If you try to inflate my response based on your perception, we’ll be done. i.e. The way you feel when people tell you to calm down is similar to the way I feel when someone is convinced that I’m angrier than I actually am, except it’s multiplied by 100. By meow, you’re probably wondering just what type of asshole I am.
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I should clarify that I don’t actually think I’m an asshole and this isn’t meant to be a piece on self-deprication. I’m writing this for a certain type of woman I’ve dated (far too often). I’ve found that the kiss of death for any potential connection is when she says, “You’re a hard read” or “I can’t figure you out” or some shit like that and we never work out. I’m not a Rubik’s Cube, I am not to be “figured out”. I am a human being and there should be no rush to gain some self-determined level of understanding as to who I am or my origin story. You will not comprehend the full character development of me in under 2 hours like some major motion picture. However, if you must study up before the semester begins, here is a “what to expect” guide for dating me that’s written in bullet-point form because the first thing you should know about me is that I am a…
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1.) Hyper-Literal and Efficient Communicator. I’m not pedantic. I’m not overly concerned with what’s right. I take people at their word and this tends to annoy people. I don’t give a fuck about what you meant, I know/heard what you said. I believe it’s on you to deliver the correct message, with the correct word choice instead of leaving me with the lion’s share of responsibility to sort out the intention and subtext of your monologue. If I receive a message from you and I’m too busy to give a lengthy reply, I’ll hit you with a one-word response in lieu of not responding at all for 24 hours. If I do that, don’t criticize my one-word response because next time I just won’t respond until I’m free. For the sake of efficiency, I will also do a recap after listening to you. “So, my perception of what you just said was blah blah blazay, is that accurate?” Summarizations tend to help me process the message. I always appreciate when people tell me stories with more fact than hyperbole.
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2.) Honest Until Penalized. I believe in being insufferably honest. We’re not going to play that, “do these pants make me look fat” game. I’m not going to lie to you. That will be a blessing and a curse. If you ask me would I bone your sister, you’d better be ready for any possible answer. The catch is that if my honesty is met with arguing and angst then you can expect me to share less with you in the future. I’ll still be just as honest, but I’ll keep my mouth shut about a lot of things. e.g. If I mention that a woman is attractive while we’re at the beach and you flip the fuck out and six months later you’re saying stupid shit like, “Just run off with that bitch from the beach!” then I will NEVER mention that another woman is attractive (to you) ever again. It’s fair to mention that honesty begets a reaction. A reaction is not how I define feeling penalized, an OVER reaction is what I mean by being penalized.
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3.) I’m fluent in 4 out of 5 of the Love Languages. *Words of affirmation, *Quality time, *Acts of service, and *Physical touch are all easy for me to both give and receive. I’m not great at the 5th one. *Receiving gifts is one that needs some work from me. I can receive, but giving is a challenge because it’s just easier for me to love in the other four languages. My primary LL is acts of service. Something you should know about me is that any offer I make to perform an act of service is a genuine offer. I won’t offer to drive you to the airport while secretly hoping that you’ll say, “no thanks”. If I offer it, I’m prepared to do it.
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4.) Ethically Non-Monogamous. I practice ethical non-monogamy. This means that I don’t date exclusively, but I’m proactively honest about who I date with everyone in my love life. I’ve found that my ideal relationship structure is to have one partner, one lover, and one sub. I’m still open to occasional play dates (or play at parties) with others. However, those encounters hold the lowest priority and are often omitted completely when I have a partner. I am willing to practice monogamy with a partner who is new to ethical non-monogamy for a predetermined period of time before we open up. When I write about ethics in this context, it’s important to mention that I don’t kiss and tell. If we’ve made the beast with two backs, that’s no one’s business except ours and our lovers. I don’t tell friends or social media about who I’ve had sexual relations with. I’ve even had friends, hungry for gossip, ask if i had something going on with [nunya-damn-biznass] only for me to shut them down.
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5.) Sex Educator. I work in the kink industry and there are times when I will lead a workshop, co-host a play party, or act as a demo for a workshop which will involve me being a paid actor in a live sex scenario.
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5b.) Burlesque Performer. I perform burlesque on any stage that will have me. That will mean that I go on tour in other countries and strip for various forms of currency.
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6.) Four Agreements Practitioner. [I: Be impeccable with your word. II: Don’t take anything personally. III: Don’t make assumptions. IV: Always do your best.] I’ve found that any type of drama can be traced back to someone not following one of the four agreements. People have an especially quick reflex to make assumptions based on no actual facts.
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7.) Solution-Oriented. I don’t argue. We will disagree. If our conversation is not solution-oriented, I want no part of screaming to see who’s “right”. This may annoy you if your reflex is to argue about stupid shit.
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8.) Attentive to Details. I notice everything. I try to avoid commenting on most things because that would obviously be fucking annoying. However, I may ask questions because I noticed something. That is NOT me scrutinizing. I’m just asking because I don’t want to make assumptions. You will love that I notice everything when I compliment something you changed. You will hate that I notice everything when you convince yourself that I’m noticing shit that I didn’t see until you pointed out. i.e. “Don’t look at my hair!” (While I wasn’t stuttin yo hair no damned way.) This is a good time to mention that I don’t think like most people. I don’t, normally, think in terms of favorites. So, if you ask those small talk questions about my favorite food, city, or song, then you’ll be disappointed by my answer. There are some favorites in my life. I love red Dahlias. I love stickshifts over any other driving experience. I’m just not into reductionism so I don’t go around ranking things as my favorite. Further, since I don’t think like others, trying to complete my sentences will fail 100% of the time.
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9.) Don’t Respond Well to Excessive Critiques, Queries, or Commentary. After a childhood of being criticized by my peers, nosy questions from people trying to “figure me out”, and the incessant need of insecure people to narrate my every move in the room (“Awww, there he go going to get some butter for his bread.”), I respond negatively to all of those habits. Just don’t be any of those people. If you ask, “What are you thinking?” my first (internal) response is, “Why do you think you’re entitled to know my thoughts?”
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10.) Most of my friends are women. Since I was young, I haven’t trusted boys/men. Generally, I find most men annoying and I don’t want to be around them. (The first dumb shit to spark that #NotAllMen shit in the comments will have to write the definition of “generally” on the blackboard one thousand times!)
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Circling back to me being “figured out”, does anyone enjoy that feeling? Is there a dynamic personality in the room who enjoys being pigeonholed by someone they’re dating. I don’t like being considered “predictable” and I don’t know why anyone would want to feel that. (Predictable and reliable are different things and I don’t mind being considered the latter.)
Please note that this post was written as a cathartic exercise for me and some entertainment for you. I have no intention to show this to someone before we go out on a date like some brochure. Also note, that if you think this post is about you then Carly Simon wrote a song ’bout that ego trip.