What does it take to be a real man? I don’t know. For all of the gentlemen reading this, I have bad news. You’ll never know either. In my search for a Primary Partner, I’ve come across a specific phrase that has never sat well with me. It’s the phrase “real man” and of equal annoyance is the phrase “real woman.” These terms annoy me for the same reason that I’m bothered to hear anyone say, “why can’t people just be normal.” Well, boring human, who is to be tasked with defining normalcy, you and your khaki pants? God, I hope not. I’m stating the obvious when I mention that any proclamation of realness or normalcy is subjective!
To all of the thin/skinny women that are reading this, I’m sure you’ve heard that real women have curves. False women have no curves. WTF!? We’re all curvy. You don’t have to spend much time in nature to know that there are no (true) right angles in nature. All of nature has curves, all humans have curves, thin/skinny women have curves. Body shaming and body politics are weapons that can be aimed in any direction and unfortunately no one is safe. A greater degree of curvature in a person’s physical dimensions doesn’t make them a better human and certainly no more real than anyone else. A lesser degree of curvature in a person’s physical dimensions shouldn’t devalue their existence. The worst assumption to make about someone’s body is that they’re sick. I hear women of a certain body type referring to thin/skinny women as “anorexic” and that’s just shitty. There aren’t many people that are qualified to diagnose at a glance. So, don’t confuse your personal judgment with what should be a clinical diagnosis. All of the aforementioned topics are much bigger issues than this post is attempting to combat. Discuss amongst yourselves. Thank you for allowing my side rant digression.
To all of the men that are reading this, I’m sure you’ve been tasked by your village elders to be a real man since you could walk. It’s an interesting burden. Here’s some of the input that I’ve seen on t-shirts and overheard in conversations. I’ve read/heard that real men… wear black, wear pink, don’t cry, call their mother on Sunday, and can chop down a tree… with their huge penis… in a snow storm… while firing their rifle at some big game Unicorn to thin out their herd. The peculiar part is that these statements are often made by women. Regardless of how you identify or your preferred pronoun, there is a societal expectation that comes along with being a male. Society expects me to be the protector that walks a woman through a “tough” neighborhood to her car. At the end of a show, I volunteer to walk ladies to their cars because I was raised to be a gentleman, not as proof of manhood. But, what makes me better suited to protect her? Bullets pierce male flesh as well, does that make me less of a man for admitting that? The difference is that I have the misperception of a potential attacker on my side. Standing 5′ 11″ tall (I’ll never lie about my height… more on that later), just shy of 200 pounds, and brown-skinned gives most assholes pause when considering their approach. Body politics also applies to those of us that appear to be fit and of a certain complexion. I’m not a violent person. But, I’m truly tired of hearing people say, “Jet would kick my ass!” That statement makes me want to slap fools. I really would not kick anyone’s ass. I haven’t been in a fight since the 6th grade and I didn’t start that one. Just to be clear, I’m not lamenting my appearance. I chose this body with intentional activities (some time after 6th grade) and no one has started a fight with me since.
It’s worth mentioning… I have several motivators for a fit lifestyle. Childhood bullies on the playground was not the sole source of my fit-spiration.
To all of the womanizers that are reading this, your behavior has been stereotyped as a habit of males. Yes, that means that female womanizers have been jeered as, “acting like a man” when they practice unethical non-monogamy. As a male, society expects me to pursue women in the courting process. In the online dating world, women rarely send the first message. In the real-life dating world, women still say things like, “when are you going to ask me out?” Is it not 2016? Why are women still waiting for men to make the first move? Survey time! Ask all of your friends that are female (or identify as female) if they initiate the courting process (I’m aware that courting is a dated term, but to my knowledge a better one has yet to make its way into the lexicon; dating has too many definitions). Post your empirical findings (no assumptions) in the comments below. I hope that I’m wrong. I hope that the majority of women are getting things started. But, based on my first-hand experiences they are not. The vicious cycle men face is that society expects us to make the first move, (our peers) question our manhood if we don’t, and if/when we do a crass job in our approach we are criticized for harassing behavior. When the average man tries to understand what he’s done wrong, he seeks counsel with other men (circle jerk much?) which exacerbates the problem as they all piss and moan about what they’re owed by women. “Bro, what’s her problem?” Spoiler alert! Women owe men nothing. No human owes anyone anything.
The part of the story many women don’t want to read is that men have been pressured by their peers to treat women as conquests since the onset of puberty. I distinctly recall peer pressure to “hit that” or “holla at her” when I was in my early teens. I’ve never been a fan of undue pressure. I opted not to have many Bros as friends when I realized the stock that surrounded me. Let me be clear, this isn’t a feel sorry for the patriarchy post. “Oh, poor men have it so rough!” Nope. That’s not what I’m saying. This is more like a, #YesAllMen have been societally conditioned to harass #YesAllWomen post. I’m saying that there are multiple angles to every story. For any woman reading this, have you ever asked why men harass women? Not, why they’re harassing you, but why men cat call and why they tend to get worse when they’re surrounded by their Peers/Bros? Here’s the equation. (Pack mentality + peer pressure to pursue/objectify women + treating women like a conquest to be pursued) – alternative female POV to highlight a woman’s perception of such crass pursuits = ass/hattery^2. If womanizing defines a real man, I hope to never be a real man.
It’s worth mentioning… That there are some men reading this that want to take offense and derail the post by arguing #NotAllMen If my words don’t apply to you, I’m not talking about you. I’m not talking to you. STFU. Don’t manufacture butt hurt feels and make this about you.
The interesting conundrum such real man pressure creates is that it becomes difficult to relate to and love women if the man agrees to his conditioning to objectify women. My challenge to the real men reading this is that you create some platonic bonds with genders other than your own.
Earlier in the post I mentioned my, just shy of six feet tall, height. I’ve found that reading women’s preferences in men has been a basic breakdown of the Hollywood male archetype. All of the ladies want the man that is 6+ feet tall. The story I hear more often than any from frustrated female friends is about the short guy that lied on his profile that he was 6′ tall only to find that he was 5’10” and wearing Timberland boots in person. Survey time! Ask everyone you know that dates men what their ideal (specific) height is for their match. Post your findings below. Does it take 6 feet to make a real man?
To tie a bow on this entire post, I’m not here to criticize women for having preferences in a male partner. I encourage everyone (especially women) to ask for what they want. There’s a difference between asking for and expecting, sight unseen. What I’m suggesting is that the concept of realness (real men or real women) creates an environment of exclusivity. Desired subjective realness makes pariah out of those of us that just choose to dance to our own rhythms. In my dating past, my rapid disappointments came from the women that wanted a real man. I mean to say that she had a pre-determined idea of what a man – more specifically what a boyfriend – should be. The act of creating the perfect man on paper creates the trap of the pre-existing mold. When I didn’t fit into a mold I had never seen there were lots of, “you should’ve said it this way” conversations that felt like script coaching with a film director.
To all who are reading this, you’re allowed to seek exactly what you desire, just try not to expect it. What if your perfect partner were an inch shorter or a shade darker than the image that exists in your mind? Would you turn them away? You’re allowed to want your ideal partner to be exactly this or specifically that, just know the difference between a want and a need. I’d like to challenge you to consider the length of your wish list. I once knew of a frustrated single person that had a wish list that was 200 items long! When this person dated, it didn’t last. Try this, allow the people you meet to be themselves. See and embrace their flaws and let them express gratitude, regret, passion, and love in their own words without script coaching. I’ve been dating for 25+ years and my best version of myself is my most honest self. When my honesty is limited, my partner doesn’t receive the best version of me. Some of my greatest loves have commented on our spectacular connection. I just thanked them for letting me be myself instead of some arbitrary subjective real man as defined by society. Being myself is the best way I know how to be a good human and a compassionate partner. I’ll never drink the blood of Unicorns after bench pressing an over-tanned bikini model on Venice Beach as a testament to manhood. I’ll never be a real man and I couldn’t be happier!