‘Tis the season for snotty-nosed assholes that don’t cover their mouths when they sneeze. People will touch their sexy parts and confuse hand sanitizer with hand washing. Some will confuse tepid tap water with washing their hands. In general, assume that people haven’t washed their hands and they will pass on that warm tingly sensation to you when you greet them. It’s true, people are gross and they claim to be afraid of Ebola. (Hint: Cleanliness helps to avoid many diseases.) Well, there’s a good chance that you’ll need a concoction to cure what ales you. I’ve created a recipe that will cure Ebola! (I am a liar.) If your throat, head, or snot box is feeling kind of buggy because your annoying cubicle mate sneezed into his hand instead of his sleeve and then licked his finger to separate a page before handing you a copy from the machine, punch him in the throat before he’s the catalyst for the zombie apocalypse. After that, drink this variation on a Hot Toddy.
Here are the ingredients that you’ll need:
You’ll notice that the Bourbon is cheap (~$10). You’re going to be heating it up, don’t use the good stuff. Other cough drops can be used. Jakemans is the brand I like. In a mason jar, combine the following:
Bourbon (use Vernors Ginger Ale if you don’t choose to imbibe), 5oz [5/8 cup] Water, 5oz [5/8 cup] Maple Syrup (or Honey), 1oz [1/8 cup] Zinc Lozenge, 1 Cough Drop, 1 Throat Coat Tea, 1 bag Angostura Bitters, 4 dashes
When you combine everything, cut open the tea bag and pour the herbs in. Shake it hard, let it steep for hours/days. It will be ready immediately and look like this:
Letting it steep for a long time just draws out the flavor of the tea. Pour it into a pot and heat to a boil. Strain the liquid back into a glass/cup with a handle. Inhale deeply and drink it slowly. *poof* no more Ebola! You’re welcome, CDC!