“I just need you to hold space.” That’s the phrase that I’ve decided to begin using when people derail my lament. The phrase “hold space” has always seemed obnoxiously obtuse and overly floral to me. Despite years of hearing it, the context never lit a clear path to the definition of the phrase. I’ve been asking myself for years, WTF does it mean to hold space for someone else? (I never cared enough to look it up until recently. I thought it was just Bay Area hippy talk – not true.) The great Googley machine tells us, “It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.” I can get behind that and I’ve finally figured out that holding space is precisely what is not being done when I speak to someone about a frustrating (often petty) matter only to hear them give me an unwanted perspective
Have you ever been telling a story about that one thing that upset you and the person listening became the Devil’s Advocate? “Well, you know, maybe that frustrating thing happened for a reason! Maybe that person said that annoying thing to you because they were just trying to be helpful, Jet!” If that scenario has happened to you before, you may need to request that the person listening to your rant to hold space.
Here’s why it may be happening to you (or at least why I think it happens to me). I’m, generally, a positive person with a “can do” attitude. But, I am human. I experience a range of emotions. One of those emotions is anger and I vent at times to friends that I trust to not judge me based on my frustrations. Because most people are accustomed to hearing me spout sunshine from my noise hole, anything “negative” tends to yield odd looks and some try to shut it down. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t feel as if I have a single human upon whom I can rely on to vent.
If you find that you tend to be the person doing the derailing, here are some things to remember when your friends come to you to vent.
1.) They trust you to express their frustrations and vulnerability. They’re opening up to you because we don’t want/expect/need judgment. 2.) If this is a repetitive lament, you may politely ask them to take that shit elsewhere. If you’ve heard about that job they hate one too many times, you may have trouble resisting the urge to “fix” it. I have a rule with my friends. If they complain to me about the same thing more than three times and they’re doing nothing to change that situation, either shut up or take the lament to someone else. Obviously, I don’t say it that way because, see #1. But, find a kind way to tell them you can’t hear them complain about the same thing for the 90th time. Be sure to say it kindly because, see #3. 3.) Empower them to resolve the issue. Instead of offering unsolicited advice via mansplaining or womansplaining*, help people figure out their own solution (if there is one). Just encourage them to keep talking and to go deeper. How do you feel about that? What are you going to do about that? I’m sorry to hear that. Have you thought about a resolution? These are all questions I like to ask so that my friends may feel empowered to solve their own struggles while being supported by the person they trusted (me) with this vulnerable moment. 4.) Remember this isn’t about you. Sure, I know how I would fix it. But, I’m not going through it and they didn’t ask for a fix. Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. It’s just a lament and I could be “fixing” it by allowing my friend 30 seconds to get something off their chest. 5.) Encourage their full range of emotion. Let them let it all out. A well timed hug can be non-verbal permission to cry and that catharsis is priceless!
Show your friends that you love them by listening without judgment and empowering them to find their own resolution or acceptance.
*Womansplain: When a woman answers a question with feelings in lieu of facts. (e.g. “Do we need to make a left or a right up ahead.” Response: I feel like we should go right. ~or~ “Does that cost more than $100?” Response: I feel like it shouldn’t cost that much.) Womansplaining is also in effect when a woman answers the question she feels you are asking instead of just answering the question that was actually asked. (e.g. “What time is it?” Response: The movie doesn’t start until 7:30! [That’s not what I asked you!] ~or~ “Has he been drinking?” Response: We’re taking a cab! [That’s not what I asked you!]) Much like Mansplaining, Womansplaining comes from any gender.