If you’ve followed my writing for any time at all you know how I feel about the book/doctrine “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.
I try to practice each agreement daily. I also take note whenever someone is dealing with drama in their personal life. In 90% of those situations, the person didn’t practice one of the agreements and brought the drama on themselves. The first (and arguably most important) agreement, be impeccable with your word, seems simple enough. Say what you mean, mean what you say, follow through on commitments, and don’t bullshit people. When I wake up in the morning, I intend to be honest. Do you remember why you started lying? I should rewind to a memorable time that I should have lied. It may help jog your memory as to why you started lying. [Spoiler alert: We all lie. If you’re reading this and saying “not me”, you are lying to yourself.]
A few years back, I started dating a woman in August. We went through most of the phases of courting with the exception of coitus. We agreed that we’d wait until the time was right before we made the verbal contract of exclusivity. On October 1st, we agreed to be in a monogamous relationship (it would turn out to be my last). Things were going well and my walls were down. I felt like I could tell her anything without concern of judgment. So, I broke the societal rule that all of pop culture advises against. Not only did I tell her the number (of women with whom I’d made sweet love) but I showed her the list *gasp*! (Before you laugh at the idea of a list, how much do you know about your sexual history? How much will you know when your sexual history spans 21 years?) Well, the list has dates on it. She saw a name on the list that had the date, September 26th (four days before she and I became official). That became the fight that was the start of our ending. She held on to that and reminded me of it for over a fucking year. Before you decide to take her side or my side and determine who was right/wrong in the scenario, remember the point of the story. I was being honest with her. The rightness of either side of the argument is irrelevant. The ensuing drama caused me to feel penalized for my honesty. I regretted showing her the list. I went through all of the “should haves” in my head to no avail, it didn’t matter. I decided to share less with her from that point forward. For the remainder of our relationship, I didn’t do anything worth hiding. But, I did share less with her in general. “Fine” became the stock answer to “How was your day?” While I wasn’t lying in the traditional mistruth sense of the word, I was withholding information for fear of more drama. I was hesitant to tell her about the women that flirted with me at the bar. As much as she (and many girlfriends the world over) want to be considered best friends, we just can’t share without a filter the way that we can with our non-judgmental actual best friend. I don’t like drama in my life. If saying less means less drama in my life, I’ll hold back (read: lie) in order to avoid drama. But, I don’t want this post to sound as if one GF was responsible for my lying. I started lying much earlier than that.
When I was a kid, I told the truth about my brother eating all of my mother’s grapes (her favorite snack). He got in trouble. Because I ratted him out he found a way to get back at me (that’s a story for another time). I should have lied and just played dumb. With lessons like these dating as far back as thirty years, you can understand why I mentioned that I try to follow the four agreements daily. Despite those experiences, I still believe that honesty works out for the best in the long run. But, for any liars out there that are considering the path of honesty you should know that it’s a lonely path.
The thing about honesty is that there’s a thin line between tact and sugar coating (read: bullshit). Here’s an example of honesty from the last time that someone asked for my fashion advice. Her: How do these shoes look? Me: The shoes aren’t the problem, it’s those polish islands^. Get rid of those and then wear the shoes. Her: *silence*
[^-Polish islands are when the nail polish has chipped off so severely (often over the course of several weeks/months) that there’s an island of polish in the middle of the toe/finger nail. I would never suggest that nail polish be perfect at all times. But, if you’re going to put polish on, get cotton balls and a $2 bottle of C4H8O2 (ethyl acetate) and take it off when it’s time is due. Before someone gets butt hurt and types an angry comment, I want to make my point clear. Anything we do in the name of fashion/style should be kept up or left alone. If you aren’t willing to comb your hair everyday, don’t comb it at all. I’m not suggesting perfect polish nor am I criticizing people with chipped polish. I’m just saying finish what you start.]
“Jet, you could have said it nicer than that.” True, I could have sugar coated my response and beat around the bush. But, that’s not saying what I mean. That’s not speaking in a manner that leaves the receiver clear on my message. That’s not being impeccable with my word. In addition to honest, our words should be fair, kind, and true lest they be filed away in the shut the fuck up file drawer. Isn’t that the reminder? If you can’t think of anything nice to say, sometimes it’s best to look away. That’s what I say to myself when I see something that confuses me. If I’m not asked, I don’t speak. Unsolicited opinions are unsolicited for a reason.
Recently, my honesty backfired. There’s a final exam schedule at school. The time for our final is set by the administrators. The instructors still have the power to execute the final exam whenever they want (even if it means they schedule a separate time with the student that has the time conflict). Two out of my three finals are on Tuesday of finals week (FW). For my third final, I told the instructor the truth. “I’m going to be straight with you. I have a road trip planned that Thursday. Is there any way that we can take our final on Tuesday of FW?” She said no. I checked in with the other students. 1/3 of the class had some sort of preferential conflict (I wasn’t the only one traveling) with the Thursday exam time. I mentioned this to her and copied the students with the conflicts. Again, she said no. She gave some yarn about the college scheduling the exams and how they couldn’t be moved, blah, blah. So, I asked her if I could just meet her in her office earlier on Thursday of FW. Again, she replied with a flat no. Now, what about all of the other people, campus-wide, that have taken their finals at alternative times. They are proof that adjustments can be made. What if I had lied and made up some story about my Great Aunt Millie being on her deathbed. “I need to fly out to see her before it’s too late!” Would she have made an exception for me? Who knows. The point is, my honesty wasn’t valued. (Yes. I am aware that honesty doesn’t magically yield the desired result. My honesty didn’t feel valued because after telling me that she couldn’t move the final to Tuesday (instead of Thursday) of FW at our normally scheduled class time she made this announcement. “I’ll be here in our usual meeting space on Tuesday of FW at our usual class time if you want to review.” Seriously!? Why wasn’t she honest with me enough to just say, she could have, she just didn’t want to move the final? Why do we lie?
The honest path is a lonely path. I try not to be one of those people that gives disclaimers before saying shitty things in the name of honesty. If someone tells you, “I can be blunt” before they give you some feedback, they’re providing that disclaimer so that they can have license to verbally shit on you. When it comes to feedback, I’ve learned to sandwich my criticism between two slices of compliment bread. That way, I can still be honest without bullshitting. I remember being on set in LA and over hearing the director gingerly handling the actor’s ego. “That was amazing, if we could just do it ten times better.” WTF!? Does amazing mean shitty?
So, why do we do it? Why do we lie to our friends, lovers, employees, and family? I once heard someone claim that they didn’t tell a friend about the lipstick on her teeth because they didn’t want her to feel embarrassed. So, instead they let her go for hours with that red beacon of misplaced makeup all up in her grill. We’re afraid of emotions. Earlier I referred to it as drama. In actuality it was just the emotions of a hurting human being and I was afraid to deal with that (and after a year I was fucking tired of it). When we hear the question, “how did I do?” We have the option to be afraid of hurting the person’s feelings because their effort was lackluster or we have the option of serving a compliment sandwich with (fair/honest/kind/true) criticism as the meat.
If you’re on the receiving end of honesty, take a breath before you react too harshly. Sometimes (often times) the truth hurts. But, if you lose your shit and start flipping over tables screaming “[insert name] SMASH”, the person sharing with you will be hesitant to share in the future. It’s also ideal to reward that sharing by being honest in return. You can start today. But, wake up tomorrow with the intent to be impeccable with your word. Be fair, honest, and kind to everyone you encounter. If you feel penalized for your honesty because they responded with genuine human emotion, be grateful that you’re not talking to a cyborg. If you receive someone’s honesty, be grateful, be honest about your own feelings, and be careful not to overreact. Don’t give them a reason to lie in the future.