As you can tell by the title, I’m touching two different subjects. The first subject is based on a question I hear everyday. Every goddamned day. The second subject is based on a question one may have when watching me perform burlesque. Let’s get started with the first subject.
Person: “What are you drinking?” Me: “A smoothie.” Person: “What do you put in your smoothie?” Me: “A bunch of shit.”
That exchange happens just about every time someone sees me drinking a smoothie. Here’s what they look like.
People tell me that the green bits make them curious to ask what’s inside. The reason that I often give the “bunch of shit” answer is because there are 8 different ingredients in each batch. I’m not about to rattle off 8 ingredients every time I get the question. So, I’ve decided to post this blog instead. Besides, some of you may find this delicious and make a few smoothies yourself.
It’s worth mentioning… Before you get started, please remember that I’ve made this recipe, or something close to it, every week for over a year. Barring any allergies (foods that cause an allergic reaction are NOT the same as foods that you dislike) don’t make any substitutions until you’ve tried it this way first. The way the story goes, a chef posted a recipe online and some dumb ass decided they didn’t want to prep the dish with chicken so they substituted shrimp instead and didn’t adjust the cooking time. That person went on to complain that it was the worst recipe ever. Don’t be a dumb ass and substitute anchovies in lieu of bananas only to complain to me that your smoothie tastes like cat food.
Here Are The Tools You’ll Need –A high-powered blender (e.g. Ninja or Vitamix) –Scale that measures in grams/ounces –Six (12-16 Ounce) Mason Jars
Here Are The Ingredients You’ll Need
[Be sure to add these to the blender in the following order]
-1st Light Coconut Milk, 8 Ounces
-2nd (Real) Apple Juice (not from concentrate), 32 Ounces (If water is the first ingredient, that shit ain’t juice!)
-3rd Fresh Spinach, 170 Grams
-4th Fresh Bananas, 3
-5th (edit) Flax Seed, 1/2 Cup
-6th Almond Meal, 1/2 Cup (This can be found in the baking section of Trader Joe’s or underneath your own hammer.) -7th Frozen Fruit, 12 Ounces (Get creative here and be sure to weigh the fruit or else you’ll make too little/much per batch. I’ve used figs, pineapples, strawberries, mangoes, blueberries, raspberries, or similar combinations in this step.) -8th Steamed/Peeled Beets, 4 Ounces (This amount is small to avoid overpowering the other flavors.)
It’s worth mentioning… It’s no accident that there is no protein powder or GNC-styled supplements in my smoothies. Another question people ask me is, “what kind of protein powder do you use?” I don’t. Powder isn’t food. I like food.
Here’s What You’ll Need To Do Combine the first four ingredients (in the prescribed order). Run the blender (on any setting) for a few seconds to make room for the remaining ingredients. Once you’ve added everything, run the blender on a low setting just to get everything mixed together. At that point, you can turn it up to full blast to puree everything and let it run for 90 seconds. If you’re using 16 ounce mason jars, be sure that you can see the 12 ounce line. Line up your 6 jars and pour 12 ounces of deliciousness into each one. If you’ve followed the directions to the letter, you may have +/- 1 ounce after portioning them out. You can use that surplus as a taste test if you like. Otherwise, enjoy. When someone asks what’s in your smoothie, tell them all eight ingredients. Or just say, “a bunch of shit.”
Want to see me talk shit and challenge you to exercise at the same time? Join me for a fitness class in San Francisco. Find me on the schedule at Studiomix.
Mondays Studio Road Ride @ 5:45PM Tuesdays TRX Bodyweight Burn @ 7:15PM Wednesdays Studio Road Ride @ 7:00AM Tabata Cross @ 5:45PM Cross Mix @ 8:00PM Fridays Studio Road Ride @ 6:15AM Tabata Cross @ 8:30AM
What’s In My Pants Glitter is in my pants! Want to see me sparkle?
Last week, my Mom saw me perform for the first time. She had a great time and was thrilled by all of the attention she received. She smiled the entire time. She’s always been supportive of everything that I’ve ever done (creatively or otherwise) even when she didn’t agree with my tattoos or piercings, she’s always supported me. I often hear the horror stories about families disowning their children for burlesque. Part of the reason that our community is so closely knit is because we accept each other when some people don’t receive that same acceptance from blood relatives. What are you doing tomorrow night? Come out to DNA Lounge and support our community. Support live entertainment instead of a pre-recorded television show. My (very conservative) Aunt asked, “Are you nervous about being naked in front of your Mom!?” I replied, “First of all, I was born naked. Secondly, I won’t be totally nude anyway because of the laws.” Want to see me get mostly naked? You can see my newest act tomorrow (Monday) night. Here are the links to each show and some other places to see me perform:
Monday, June 22 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Thursday, June 25 – Moonlighting SF @ 50 Mason Social House in San Francisco
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