When I was in my teens, I remember when my mother took me to one of her favorite bookstores. The Shrine of the Black Madonna Bookstore and Cultural Center on Detroit’s West side – no longer open for business – was always the one shop that generated more questions in my curious mind than answers. I wanted to read all of the books. This was a point in my life where I carried around a copy of Eldridge Cleaver’s “Soul On Ice” and I viewed a chance to cruise the aisles of the Shrine as an opportunity to find more questions. I hoped to find answers in some of the pages on those shelves as well. There were times when I wasn’t sure that I was ready for the question that the pages would prompt. I’ll never forget seeing this title on the shelf:
At that point in my teenage years I had, of course, been made aware of pussy and what some men were willing to do to gain access to it. But, this book sparked the question: “WTF is GOOD Pussy?” and by default “What is BAD Pussy like?” At this point in my life, I hadn’t even seen a vagina that wasn’t on a screen or in a magazine. So, I had loads of questions. I didn’t attempt to buy the book. Even though it wasn’t kept in any sort of adult section (that didn’t exist in that bookstore anyway) my instincts told me that a teenager attempting to purchase this book wouldn’t go over well.
It’s worth mentioning… You’re about to read a blog post from a heterosexual male about his thoughts on what defines a good sexual encounter. There will be euphemisms for vagina used. There will be words like “lover” used as well. If you’re uptight about shit like that, just stop reading now. If you’ve ever in your life referred to a vagina by any other name, hold your judgment and take a breath before you get up in arms.
It’s also worth mentioning… The word good is a purely subjective word. There is no good day without the individual perceptions of those that boast it to be so. Much the same, there are no bad days until the label has been applied from the mouths of the beleaguered. Now, back to Good Pussy. I never read the book but the cover photo has always been etched in my brain. If you’ll take a moment and listen to a reading from the book, you’ll hear that it’s not necessarily about pussy as a treasure sought after by those that choose to objectify. (Again, I’ve never read the book.) Here’s a video of David Cross reading an excerpt from the aforementioned book that he refers to as his Bible.
Are you good at sex? I’m of the opinion that sex is much like dancing. We can only be as good as our partner. I find it interesting when I hear (mostly) men brag about their skills in the bedroom. The common assumption is that a man with confidence in his abilities will have more frequent chances to have sex. Much like a peacock showing off his feathers for the female, some men brag as a way of piquing a woman’s curiosity. I also find it interesting when a woman asks another woman if a man is good in bed. Even if her (subjective) answer is yes, that doesn’t mean that the same man would be good with another woman in the same bed. For any peacock to suggest that he’s good at sex is to assume that all of his dance partners will dance and respond exactly the same. My apologies for blending metaphors. But, you dig what I’m saying. I once heard a man say: “If your hands were tied behind your back and nothing on the body could touch the pussy except your dick, you wouldn’t be able to tell one from the other.” Wow! That’s some surreal shit! Yes, there are people in the world that actually think that way. Welcome to earth, humans are interesting. Obviously, there are numerous things wrong with such a misogynistic statement. But, for the sake of this post, I want to focus on the misguided idea that sex is the same from one person to the next. It’s that ideology that leads people to think that they are good at sex.
“Jet, you’re full of shit. All the ladies love the way I put it down! I put on a dab of Bitch Come Runnin cologne and they ALL tell me that I’m the greatest lover ever! I’m good at sex!” Okay, let me ask you this Mr. Pimpadelic Relic, the Playa from the Himalayas. What’s your technique? Can you tell me what you’re going to do to that woman before you get in the bedroom? You can!? It sounds like you have a playbook and you’re going to treat her the exact same as your last lover. That doesn’t sound like you’re concerned about her pleasure. That doesn’t even sound like you recognize her as an individual! That sounds like you’re using a formula to solve a riddle instead of paying attention to what she wants. While that may end up bringing her pleasure, it’s more of an ego stroke for yourself than it is a genuine attempt at pleasing your partner.
Everyone is familiar with the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) even if it’s not practiced. In relationships (and especially during sexual relations) I’m of the opinion that the platinum rule (treat others the way they want to be treated) is key to a mutually enjoyable experience. “Alright, Jet. What’s the deal? How do you define good sex!?” Thanks, narrator in my head, I’m glad you asked. I think that good sex is a mutual experience instead of any sort of delineation between top/bottom as to an individual being good at sex. The mutual experience of good sex can be broken down to four R’s. [Please note: These four R’s are meant to be universal. Ignoring gender or top/bottom/side-lying roles, this criteria can apply to all.]
Response (Feedback) Of the many sexual encounters I’ve had, the most memorable were the ones that I could hear/feel/see responding to my efforts. There’s nothing worse than having sex with a voluntary mute. If it’s your first time with a partner, find a way to communicate with them that you like or dislike what they’re doing. Don’t use a certain look. Side eyes don’t really explain anything. Use impeccable communication that can’t be confused. During my first few times with a partner, I’m making a mental map of her body. In order to know that I’m heading in the right direction, “right there” are the two sexiest words a partner can say. If your partner is doing something you dislike… the words, “I don’t like that”, will prevent a lot of displeasure. On the flipside… If you’re not receiving any sort of response from your new partner, check in with them. Communicate in a clear manner (that doesn’t feel like an interrogation) and find out the specific acts they like. This sort of communication can take place before the bedroom at the dinner/breakfast table, in the grocery store, or during your run together. Later on, it doesn’t hurt to casually ask if there’s something your partner would like more or less of during sex. My challenge to you… Is to avoid thinking that your new partner should just know or figure out where your points of pleasure happen to reside. “Jet, if they’re good at sex, they should have a playbook and just do their thing all up on me!” No! Unless you’re making sweet love to a mind reader, give some goddamned feedback.
Rhythm (Give me something I can work with here!) We’ve all heard the assumption that good dancers are good in bed. Well, that’s been true… in most of my personal experiences. But, when the rhythm is off, goddamned it’s OFF! Two people can’t lead a dance. They can take turns, certainly. But, there can’t be two leaders. On the flipside… This is a good time to look back at Response. Tell your partner to slow down, speed up, switch their hip rotations or pelvic thrusts to counter clockwise, etc. My challenge to you… Is to dance with your date/friend/other before they become a lover. Don’t dance with them as a test. Dance with them as a form of foreplay. The dance could even happen in private once you’re naked. Put on some music and dance, laugh, relax, and then get down to business time.
Resistance (Open-mindedness) What are your boundaries? When was the last time you asked that of a potential partner before doing the deed!? Everyone has boundaries, some more than others. I’ve found that the shorter someone’s list of boundaries, the better the sex has been. That doesn’t mean that everything has to be on the table or that the person must be willing to perform every sexual act found in the modern lexicon of sexy talk. It does mean that a person with a closed mind that doesn’t want to do sex acts that you consider standard operating procedure is probably going to be a boring fuck. On the flipside… Some people have personal rules against oral sex before they feel a certain level of comfort with a new partner. I’m not talking about those situations. I’m talking about people that have blacklisted certain sexual acts and have vowed to never perform certain sex acts. While people are entitled to their boundaries, a long list of boundaries makes for a limiting experience with a new partner. My challenge to you… Respect people’s boundaries. If you ever find yourself convincing, repetitively asking, or selling the idea of doing a certain act, you’re not respecting boundaries. Don’t be an asshole. Reciprocity (Give/Receive/Repeat) When is sex over? How many times did you have sex and what distinguishes one round from the next? If you’re basing that data on when you had your orgasm, you’re not embracing the platinum rule. Give your partner what they want, not just what you want to give them. Let your guard down and receive pleasure from your partner. Allow that to be the dance that you share. On the flipside… Don’t convince yourself to give/receive something just because it will make your partner happy. If you’re not comfortable doing it, don’t do it and revisit Response. “I don’t like that.” or “I’m not doing that.” Four easy words to avoid confusion. My challenge to you… Offer alternatives. Maybe you won’t give your partner that HJ under the table at Applebee’s. But, maybe you can give it at your neighbor’s house party.
It’s worth mentioning… Communicating intentions before sex is a possibility will avoid a lot of blurred lines of consent. If you don’t want to have sex with a person, please take a minute and call (not text, not email, not fucking facebook message, but CALL) them before your date. Let them hear your voice and state clearly that “we are not having sex tonight.” Don’t play games, change your mind later, and give up the sweetness. Stick to your conviction so that they can respect your boundaries, respect that you mean what you say, and walk in with no assumptions. No one gets mislead. All intentions are made clear, BEFORE the date.
Isn’t it obvious… Emotional connection will amplify all of the four R’s of good sex. But, the reason that I didn’t define emotional connection as a parameter for good sex is because I have (and you probably have as well) had some great sex with some women with whom there was little to no emotional connection. Emotional connection requirements are so vastly different from one person to the next that such a connection could take up 2,000+ words on its own post. I’ll let you all define emotional connection for yourselves. I’ll let you all define good sex for yourselves. This is just my opinion based on observations and my limited experience. Until the next post… may you all have so much sex that masturbation seems pointless.