Why is she angry? I always wondered why she was so angry. Why is he becoming aggressive? I always wondered why he would get so aggressive. When I managed restaurants (and when I managed retail stores-which at times felt eerily similar) I always wondered why people would become irate over what seemed (to me) like a small issue. Why were they sweating the small stuff!? The complaints ranged from too few napkins to salad plates not being cold enough and everything in between. The majority of the complaints didn’t seek resolution. I mean to say that when I offered a solution it was refuted. I used to rack my brain trying to understand why someone would go through the trouble of asking to speak to the manager, bending my ear for as much as 15 minutes, and when I offered everything short of my first born to make amends, they said they were “fine” and tried to convince me that it was no big deal-despite their lament.
One day, it struck me. Those people just wanted to be heard. There’s a strong chance that they were voiceless in other areas of their lives. Perhaps a bean counter felt like a cog in the machine at work. They found themselves in a temporary position of power because of the customer always being right (fun fact: restaurant diners are more often selfish assholes than “right”) and they seek balance. Despite our efforts to suppress it, we all have an ego. When the ego feels vulnerable it seeks a course correction to balance its mettle. Misdirected hostility can often be traced back to a bruised ego that felt vulnerable. The ego often chooses to dominate in order to feed itself and stay in the driver’s seat. So, I began to have some compassion for the complainers. I told myself that I had no idea what that person had dealt with during their day. If work, romance, family, or otherwise had made them feel vulnerable it was within reason that their ego would seek balance through dominating when given the chance. I want to be clear, I’m not condoning being rude to service staff because you *insert mocking whiny voice* “had a bad day”. It’s not okay to be uncool to people due to your own baggage. There is NO excuse to be an asshole.
… turns into this…
Ego-driven balance can be destructive if left unsupervised. The best way to go about that supervision is to understand what’s happening and why you’re seeking the balance. What made you feel vulnerable and why? When you choose to redirect your domination, are you doing it in a healthy way? I recently spoke with a friend about a case study that we’d read. Someone that works as a professional Dominant has a girlfriend that he cares for deeply. Because of how emotionally vulnerable he feels in that relationship, his ego seeks balance in the form of punishing his Subs. While that may be good for his business, it’s important that he not mix business efforts and personal feelings. Like any consensual sexual exchange, the two (or more) parties involved should walk away feeling as if their boundaries were respected and that mutual pleasure was paramount. No one should feel as if anything was “taken out” on them.
Take a look at the world around you and the interactions that people have with one another. Pay close attention to the passive aggressive habits of some and the inability to apologize of others. Before getting annoyed about those habits, think from a place of compassion and try to understand why. When the emotionally vulnerable seek sexual domination with other partners, are they seeking balance? When the powerless feel the need to condescend to people in a service role, are they looking for a way to feel in control? When the voiceless choose to be petty or passive aggressive, are they looking for a way to be heard? In a recent seminar, the speaker pointed out that the weak pretend to be powerful. Think of the bully on the playground. What’s going on in that kid’s life that drives his ego to dominate others (without their consent)? Look for the habits in your life that find your ego in the driver’s seat as it seeks the balance. Are you dominating with consent or are you the bully? Suppressing the ego means that feelings of power and weakness are irrelevant. It’s easier said than done, but step outside of yourself and try to see if you’re dominating conversations/lovers/kids on the swing in an effort to find the balance of vulnerability.
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