I heard someone say, “I hate working out!” and it broke my heart. I don’t care if people hate working out, it doesn’t affect me. But, I heard the statement as this person was checking in at the front desk of a fitness club. Yes, she was paying a handsome ransom to belong to a fitness club and she hated working out. My immediate thought was, “why are you here?” I didn’t ask because it was her journey and it was none of my business. But, that lead me to a new question. Why don’t people just workout like a hedonist and do nothing more than the exercises that derive pleasure?
According to the Google machine… he·don·ism (noun): the pursuit of pleasure; sensual self-indulgence. The ethical theory that pleasure (in the sense of the satisfaction of desires) is the highest good and proper aim of human life.
Sit down and write out a workout routine wherein each exercise has three key components. First, the exercise elevates your heart rate. (Note: An elevated heart rate does not mean cardio. You can elevate your HR by standing and sitting repeatedly.) Second, you must not be able to perform the exercise while staring at a screen. Put down your goddamned phone. Third, the exercise must be one that you enjoy. Sounds like the perfect workout, right? There’s one thing missing. You can read on or you can try out your hedonistic workout for six weeks and come back to this blog to read more later (don’t worry, the post will still be here).
Did you guess the missing ingredient to your workout and the potential positive outcome? The missing ingredient is a challenge! You know, the actual work in working out. Pardon me if this sounds cliché, but strength gains begin at the end of your comfort zone. I remember when a trainer friend of mine, we’ll call her Mia, was standing nearby as a third party asked what I was doing for my workout. Before I could answer, Mia interjected, “he’s just maintaining!” I was butt hurt because I respected Mia’s workout and her comment showed that she didn’t have much respect for my workout. Mia was an amateur body builder and her workouts had a very specific goal in mind. We talked about why she thought I was just “maintaining” and she pointed out how I rarely challenged myself (aside from gradual weight increases). I responded with all sorts of excuses, but the truth is that I was working out like a Hedonist. Real talk, there is something to be said for doing what you love in your workout, it will keep your body moving longer than just doing what your told. So, refer back to that previous workout that you created and let’s make some tweaks.
“If you hate it, you need it.” That’s what some coaches say about all of the exercises you hate. While I mostly agree with that statement, I don’t think that hatred for an exercise can be overcome with such imposed logic. I say, “If you hate it, figure out why first. Then decide if your body needs it to help prepare* you.” (*-More on that later.) Do you hate Burpees? Ask yourself why, before you let someone talk you into needing them as a part of your workout routine. Do you hate running? Ask yourself why. Not all bodies move the same. I spend my days watching bodies move and let me tell you, Burpees ain’t for every body. Running ain’t for every body. Every body is different. I once asked a former cheerleader why she hated running so much. As it turned out, her coach used to make them run laps as punishment for missing steps/cues. So, if they were out of step and messed up the choreography of the cheer, the best way to help them perform better is to fatigue their legs and create a negative association with running, right? No, it’s not. (Note to any coaches reading this, I encourage discipline for being late-wall sits, static push-ups, etc.- but if your athlete shows signs of poor performance on a specific skill, running laps won’t help them perform better without potentially creating a negative association with running. Congratu-fucking-lations, your Pop Warner team won the most games. If those kids won fueled on the fear of lap running, there’s a good chance they’ll grow up to hate running even if they’re still winning games in high school and college. Run through skills drills for the specific skill they’re lacking, don’t use an antiquated method of coaching just because it generates wins.) Athletes, look inside and deconstruct your specific reasons for disliking an exercise. Remember that, “I just don’t”, isn’t a fucking reason. If your reason is bullshit, “it makes me tired”, then you do need that exercise. But, Jet, why do I need it? Because your workout should prepare* (there’s that word again) you for whatever life is going to throw your way.
People often ask me, “what is your fitness philosophy?” Simple. Be ready for anything. Before you tense up for fear that I’m going to start typing about the zombie apocalypse and how you have to be ready to survive a full season on the Walking Dead, relax. I’m typing about real basic shit here. I meet a lot of people that don’t own cars. When you have to carry heavy groceries to your apartment up a steep hill, your workout should prepare you for that. Another thing about not having a car is that there will come a time when you’ll have to run for the bus. It’s always funny to me when I see a Meathead in the gym that lifts and lifts and lifts and avoids cardio based on some gym floor folklore that cardio “breaks down” muscle. (This post isn’t about that, but I’ll just say it’s not as simple as that. Do your own research if you think that adding cardiovascular endurance subtracts muscle.) I’ll see those same Meatheads trying to run for the bus and getting winded. Wait, let me get this straight, you’re in the gym for more than 5 hours a week and you get tired after running a few fucking blocks… TWO goddamned blocks!? Sorry, your workout sucks.
This post wasn’t written to tell you how to workout. But, I did want to share my fitness philosophy and my suggestion on how to create a workout that will help you get stronger. For any comic geeks reading this, you may have heard of the Danger Room. It’s a training facility for the X-Men. When you have super powers, lifting weights is kind of rudimentary and often pointless. So, imagine a room that can generate any scenario you can imagine. You then fight your way out of it. Reading that as a kid, that training methodology made sense to me and it still does today. This is real life, we don’t have access to the Danger Room. But, you can challenge yourself with obstacles. Get your body over things, get your body under things, move your body in ways that will keep you alive in the case of an emergency. (Again, I’m not talking about zombie fiction. But, improving your agility will help your reflexes should a car ever head towards the sidewalk with you on it. Are you agile enough to get your body out of the way? Are you paying enough attention to your surroundings to warn fellow pedestrians? Put down your goddamned phone and look alert when you walk around.) Strengthen your body for the grocery run. Build up your endurance for the bus run. Design your workout by answering four questions (with specific/non-fluff answers).
1.) What do I love to do that increases my HR? While making sweet love is a great (and highly recommended) answer, you may not always have access to that workout since it involves two or more partners to assist. (Hey, we are talking about a Hedonistic Workout here!)
2.) What challenges me enough to highlight the need to make it part of my training? If you hate it, figure out why first. Then decide if your body needs it.
3.) For what will these exercises prepare me? Congratu-fucking-lations, you completed 200 pull-ups in an hour! That’s prepared you for what, exactly? Oh, you can’t give a high five due to fatigue? Good job. You ran so hard that you can’t walk the next day? Sweet! Don’t be a dumb ass! “No pain, no gain” is a stupid fucking saying! Challenge your muscles, don’t injure your body. There’s a thin line between pride and injury. I understand leaving it all out on the field. I don’t understand leaving it all out on the practice field. Make sure that your practices and workouts prepare you for the game of life without breaking you.
4.) Are the weights that I’ll be using lighter than my “carrying around weight” (CAW)? [Click this link for a blog about the dangers of lifting too little.] At the end of your day, walk to your scale with all of your clothes, shoes, bags, laptop, iThings, coffee mug, etc. Get the weight and then strip naked. Get the new weight and note the difference as your CAW. The next time you’re in the gym and you want to reach for three pound dumbbells remember that, with the exception of some therapeutic exercises, any weight that’s less than your CAW will not make you stronger. Further, anyone suggesting that a woman becoming “muscle-y” is a bad thing is perpetuating the women are fragile myth. Those people are suggesting that “no man will want” a muscle-bound woman. Don’t listen to those people, throw out those magazines. Whenever I challenge a female to use heavier (than 3 pound) weights, I often hear, “but, I’m not strong…” as a response. Well, how the fuck do you expect to get stronger working out with weights that weigh less than your CAW?
Write your new workout, ask your coach to review it for suggestions/tweaks. Do what you love. Do what challenges you. Be prepared. Life will never ask you to carry three pound dumbbells down a hill.
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