There is both beauty and tragedy in creation and destruction done by the same hand. Impermanence was explained to me like this; years of painstaking work to cultivate and create a beautiful work of art, only to destroy it and learn the lesson that nothing is ours. All things end or change with time. There are times when I have these abbreviated fantasies about blowing up my life, selling most things, packing up the rest, and moving to another country. Voice of reason says, “Be realistic (such a limiting word). What about your responsibilities?” Voice of fuck it says, “Let’s Get the FUCK OWWWWT!” But, I stay and find my second wind. Instead of blowing up my life, I blow up things in my life. I once wrote, “Today is the day for kerosene bridges and I have been given the gift of fire.” The fire has been lit. I’ve decided to end my beloved Naked Camp. Naked Camp began as a trip to escape all of the things that made me want to blow up my life. I decided to drive myself to Harbin Hot Springs (HHS) for my birthday in August 2012. I had experienced a lot (nothing worth repeating here) that year. I rented a yurt and just spent as much time in silence as I could. I enjoyed being able to escape where no one knew or cared who I was.
As I was laying down in the sauna. A woman sat down on the level below mine. As she relaxed, her head tilted back and the back of her head landed on my leg. She jumped, knowing that she had broken the social contract of touching a naked person without consent. I laid my hand on her shoulder, made eye contact, and gave her a nod to imply my consent for her to rest her head on my leg. She did and we later began to converse as to what brought our separate journeys to meet at HHS. It turned out that she was there leading a retreat, I forget what about. As the weekend continued, I watched several people who had also arrived on their own begin to make and nurture connections with people they had met at the resort. I wanted to recreate the experience I was enjoying on my own with friends of my choosing. So, I posted on Facebook before I planned to return to HHS.
February 5, 2013: I’ve been thinking about my trip to Harbin Hot Springs this year. I’ll probably go for a long weekend in June. I started thinking about asking to see if any of my quiet friends* wanted to go on the trip with me. … * – By quiet I mean, you can be without electronics for a few days AND you know how to appreciate a sunset without talk-talk-talking away a beautiful experience.
From the onset, I was trying to curate an experience (read: preemptively micromanage my friends) in order to protect myself from a shitty experience.
I’ll fast forward this story a bit to say that the first trip with friends happened at Orr Hot Springs (due to a suggestion of someone in the first group) back in August, 2013. We later began calling it Naked Camp. Things started changing, duration, frequency (twice per annum), overall planning of the trip, etc. The one constant was the changes I kept making to the email template I sent to potential new attendees. Have you ever written an online dating profile after a breakup? You know the one wherein you preemptively reprimand any future dates, “you’d better not do this and that OR ELSE we’re not compatible!” Yeah, my emails were all about, telling people what not to do @ Naked Camp. Unsurprisingly, arguments, heated discussions, and emotional labor still popped up in this space that was supposed to be about disconnecting and rebooting.
In the days leading up to this most recent Naked Camp, I wasn’t even looking forward to going. I was excited to get off the grid. But, the trip felt more like a chore than a place of healing. Overall, this wasn’t a bad trip. I had a spectacular massage. We went on a beautiful hike. However, I also found myself trying to explain microaggressions to a friend who laughed as I cited examples. She insisted that microaggressions were not a thing. When I found myself cussing and my voice growing louder, it occurred to me that no one in that group had my back. I was the only Black person in the group and I was the lone voice in the wind doing the emotional labor of explaining my experience. (Which is really the experience of so many people.) When it was clear that she was not willing to see from a different perspective, I stopped talking. Silence from the rest of the group filled the room as I was reminded that all of my efforts to curate just the right group of friends was all for shit. No one had my back.
To add insult to injury, I went down to soak in the hot springs, stopped to pet one of the kittens that lives on the property, and got stung by a Yellowjacket. I didn’t just get stung. I was wearing nothing more than a robe and squatting down. I got stung in the head of my dick! I don’t recommend this experience to anyone. I rinsed it with hydrogen peroxide, took some ibuprofen (for the swelling), showered, and got into the hottest bath I could find.
I’ve just returned from my last trip to Naked Camp (8). I realized that uninviting people who have frustrated/annoyed me over those eight trips isn’t an option because I still have to see those people in the real world. So, I uninvited myself. I walked away from something that I love. I have no regrets. I look forward to my next retreat that’s just for me. I enjoy my company. I don’t argue when I’m alone. If you’re reading this, take some time and enjoy yourself, by yourself.
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