Tonight, I had to remind my class that I’m open/receptive to feedback. I felt the need to tell them that I wouldn’t defend my position or refute their valid feelings. I will listen and hold space for anyone who feels as if I’ve wronged them and chooses the path to resolution through conversation. Actual, your lips to my ears, conversation. I’ve watched (from 1st and 3rd person perspective) as friendships have imploded due to a written disagreement. I’ve seen misunderstandings balloon into unforgivable trespasses, exacerbated by one or both parties refusal to speak to the other.
This isn’t the future I was promised. Watching Sci-fi of the 60s/70s/80s, I saw the proposed future be a place wherein telepathic and empathic communication had replaced spoken words. These were signs of an advanced human intelligence and an advanced society as a whole. The society we’ve designed for ourselves is one that finds us typing more and speaking less. When are we going to get back to talking? A social justice trend I’ve noticed is that some will tell a person of privilege (PoP) who asks a question about a marginalized group (MG) that it’s not the MG’s job to educate the PoP. They go on to tell the PoP to educate themselves. If I have a question for a MG, in an earnest effort to understand some of what they experience as they navigate their life, where may I ask <insert question here>? Social media isn’t the place to ask. That comment thread will turn into the wild west in under 5 minutes. Everyone will stop listening, someone will begin repeating, another will begin reprimanding, and in a short while, someone will tell me that it’s not <insert person>’s job to educate me on such matters and that I should educate myself. Okay, where? Should I ask members of the MG on the street? At best, that will give me a woefully limited scope of an answer. Should I go and read a few blogs or listen to some podcasts about this MG? Well, isn’t that just the strong opinion of one person? Is that really educating myself? When are we going to get back to talking?
When I was first introduced to Polyamory, I wanted to learn more. I went to the open relationship discussion group, held monthly at the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco. I sat and listened, asked questions, held space, and brought friends with me who were also open to learn about the lifestyle. Words were exchanged and I learned about a unique group of people. I was in the process of changing my lifestyle and will be forever grateful for what I learned in those discussion groups. Polyamorous people are not a MG (for the most part). I wanted to learn about a new community and I learned through the education of listening and conversation. When are we going to get back to talking? When was the last time someone ghosted on you? For the uninitiated, ghosting is when someone disappears out of your life without explanation and they stop responding to your attempts to communicate. I love tech. I can pay my rent while standing in line at the grocer! But, ghosting began with tech (caller ID). When we gained the power to not answer the phone based on who was calling, we stopped picking up. Eventually we stopped calling back. Then we stopped texting back. We’re so afraid that people won’t accept our “no” without explanation that we click yes on an invitation, just to flake later on. Now we think texting is talking. (Humans are designed to gain understanding through body language, tone, and pheromones. When you take all of those away, it’s no wonder we all have fights in writing.) When are we going to get back to talking?
Since the Baby Boomers started booming, consumer tech has been focused on making everything easier. (Again, I love tech and I’m not here to bash it.) In the process, tech has taken us further away from our humanity. We now have 1,000 friends following us (not creepy at all) on social media and just because we can rattle off some anecdote about each of those 1,000 we tell ourselves that they’re actually our friends. When was the last time you spoke to one of those 1,000 friends? Pick up any textbook on human behavior / sociology and you can read about why communities tend to reach a maximum and then split off into two communities. If you insist that social media helps you stay in touch with 1,000 people then I’ll put this out there. 1.) Why do you need to stay in touch with that many folks? Do you really give a shit what your 3rd grade crush is doing now that you’re both 40? 2.) How do you define staying in touch? Seeing a picture of them doing something interesting and filtered so that you can Like it and feel connected in some way? I hope you touch deeper than that when you nurture actual friendships.
I know that this post just sounds like I’m bitching at you to re-evaluate your thoughts around staying/being connected to people. Sure, that’s part of it. But, more importantly, I hope you walk away from this read willing to make the effort to talk to people. If/When you do, seek first to understand before attempting to be understood. That reminder I gave to class back at the beginning of this post was sparked by a complaint at work. I’m willing to bet that the majority of 1-star Yelp reviews could have been avoided, had the customer spoken directly to the source of their frustration. No, don’t talk to the manager, talk to the person you wish to talk about. Seek a resolution in the moment, using your words. Let’s get back to talking.
Comentarios